Domestic Violence - Myths and Reality
| Myth: If you are jealous of your partner it shows that you love her.
Reality: Jealousy is just a feeling, that of vulnerability or insecurity about how much your partner cares for you, or a fear that your partner may, one day, choose someone else. We all may feel this from time to time. In an abusive relationship – jealousy is about possession and control, not love. It is often used as an excuse for the use of violence in a relationship, but when we love someone, we support and encourage them. What a respectful partner would do is not us this as an excuse to find ways to limit and control their partner's life. |
| Myth: It mainly happens to poor women on council estates.
Reality: Not true. Women from poor and wealthy backgrounds experience domestic violence. There are as many black eyes and bruises given to women by partners in crisp, Gaultier shirts and Versace suits as those on benefit. However, although income levels don't affect whether you're abused, they can affect how you respond. Women on lower incomes are more likely to come to the notice of helping agencies, especially those who have already been in any of our social systems previously. Middle class women may be less likely to seek assistance because they fear that the high-profile husband will eventually hound her down and kill her, rather than compromise his career with a messy ‘battered wife’ scandal. Or, sometimes, they may have more informal resources to draw on. 'What do you think of when you hear the words 'Domestic Violence'? A woman in a council house with two black eyes and runny nosed kids married to a pot bellied beer-swiller who beats her up all week! Well, you'd be wrong, domestic violence happens across a wide social spectrum. The sooner this is realised, there will not be the stigma that there is today.' Vanessa |
| Myth: Domestic violence is only perpetrated by a strong man against a weak woman.
Reality: The truth is that domestic violence can happen to any woman who is involved with a man who uses violence to dominate. Relative strength or weakness is not the issue – control is. Invariably women in such relationships are stereotyped as subservient and helpless. Far from being a powerless victim, a woman involved in a violent relationship often displays enormous resources of strength in the way she learns to live with fear, navigate unpredictability, and intuit her partner’s moods to protect herself and her children. Experts say that living on this particular psychological knife-edge is tantamount to torture. |
| Myth: Domestic violence is perpetuated by men in a constant rage.
Reality: Men who use violence to control their partners are often highly self-controlled. If the rage was really uncontrollable they would explode at anyone at any time – whereas the violence is usually hidden from others and taken out on specific targets. Even when they appear to be in a complete rage there is still a certain amount of choice that abusive men make. One simple example of this is that men usually choose not to go as far as killing their partners when they do beat them. Furthermore, he usually creates and maintains a good public image. He may talk in a soft voice, can be polite to neighbours and maintain good relationships with co-workers. They can be affectionate to their families in public and have attractive sides that appeal to their partners. It’s no wonder that when the blows and screams come – and they do – the neighbours have a hard time equating that nice Mr. Smith with the maniac who hit his wife so badly one evening she was taken to hospital in an ambulance. |
| Myth: In a relationship, men should take the lead and be in control.
Reality: No one likes to be pushed around in a relationship. Aggressive, controlling behaviour is used to exert power over someone, so the relationship is unequal |
| Myth: Alcohol that causes men to be violent.
Reality: Many men who drink are not violent to their partners and many men who are violent do not drink. Alcohol may be a factor in some violent incidents in the home but it's not the cause. Often when violent alcoholics seek help for their drinking, the outcome is a sober perpetrator. So it's more accurate to say that the two problems can co-exist rather than one causing the other. Alcohol 'frees' some men up to act in certain ways by giving them what they feel to be an excuse for their abusive behaviour. However, drunkenness is never an excuse for violence. Drunk drivers are never seen as unable to help the way they conduct themselves, and their drunkenness is not seen as an excuse for the damage they cause. |
| Myth: Most sexual assaults are committed by strangers.
Reality: 69% of sex assailants are known to the victim. |
| Myth: Abusers were abused themselves.
Reality: Extensive research shows that this is not true. Of course some abusers did grow up in violent homes, but many (much research even suggests the majority) did not. This is not to say that children who grow up with an abusive parent are unaffected by that experience - of course they are - but how they're affected isn't as simple as always repeating what they have seen. Many children respond by developing a horror of abuse and a determination to never behave like that. Although anyone who has been mistreated as a child deserves our compassion for this, but it should not be used as an excuse to mistreat others. If we do not challenge when abusers blame their violence on their childhoods - it lets them avoid responsibility for their behaviour and denies the fact that they are actively choosing to use violence and abuse. |
| Myth: A woman can't be raped by her husband.
Reality: Marital rape has been a criminal act in UK case law since 1991. |
| Myth: She could just leave...
Reality: However well-intentioned a statement this is, it is a way of subtly blaming her for his actions – maybe we should be saying, "he could just stop abusing her", or wondering why an abused woman and any children should have to be further victimised by losing everything. There are many practical, social and emotional factors that, for a woman, can make leaving extremely difficult. Amongst others, these include:
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| Myth: If a girl dresses in a certain way, she's asking for sex.
Reality: No one ever asks to be assaulted. Unless someone consents to sex, it is rape. The way a girl is dressed is no excuse for someone else's violent act. |
| Myth: There are just as many abusive women, abused men are invisible because they are ashamed to tell.
Reality: There are certainly some women who treat their male partners badly, and any individual on the receiving end of abuse deserves our sympathy. However, most research and frontline experience tells us that men in relationships with women are not abused to the extent that women are, both in terms of severity and numbers of those affected. The other difficulty is that abusive men commonly play then role of a victim, and many men who present to services as victims are actually perpetrators. Of course it must be embarrassing for a man to admit that he is being abused by a woman, but anyone who is abused feels absolutely humiliated in having to reveal this. Women crave dignity as much as men do and if shame stopped people coming forward no one would tell. However, it is also true that domestic violence is a sizeable problem for those in same sex relationships. It is sometimes claimed that male domestic violence victims have no services. This is untrue. Although refuge projects generally provide services only to women and their children, almost all other services are available to both genders. Additionally, it should be noted that capacity limitations mean that only approximately 15 per cent of those homeless due to domestic violence are accommodated in refuges. All other housing options are available irrespective of gender. |
| Myth: Abuse of women is considered normal or acceptable in some cultures.
Reality: There is no evidence to suggest that women from some ethnic or cultural communities are any more at risk than others. In reality, abuse of women – and societal approval for it – is a widespread problem in the vast majority of modern cultures. The only places where it has been found not to exist are among some tribal peoples who are highly disapproving of all forms of aggression and who give men and women nearly equal power. Pointing fingers at other cultures can be a way of ignoring the serious problems of violence against women in our own. However, the forms the abuse takes may vary; in some communities, for example, domestic violence may be perpetrated by extended family members, or it may include forced marriage, or female genital mutilation. Generally, although the tactics that abusers use can vary by race, nationality or sexual orientation, the communalities far outweigh the differences. More information on domestic violence for different ethnic groups can be found at www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence |
| Myth: You shouldn't get involved in other people's rows.
Reality: Domestic violence is a not a private matter although it's often been treated this way. A crime committed in private, behind closed doors, is still a crime. The cost of inaction - not dealing with the effects properly or stopping domestic abuse from happening in the first place - is huge. In Lancashire it causes pain, suffering and costs us £622 million every year. We are all affected by domestic violence whether it be directly or indirectly and as such, it is everybody's business. Not getting involved won't make domestic violence disappear; it will only ensure that more women and children suffer alone. |
(Adapted from BBC Website, Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that?" and the Canadian White Ribbon Campaign Education Pack)