Recognising domestic violence

Almost everyone at some point of other in a relationship or from time to time may:

• Shout
• Call their partners names
• Interrupt
• Act selfishly
• Act insensitively

Whilst these behaviours are hurtful and worthy of criticism, they aren't necessarily abusive when carried out by a respectful partner. But, they can be abuse when they form part of an abusers' verbal and emotional weapons to use against you - being shouted at by a respectful partner may feel bad but it doesn't have the same cold, ugly atmosphere (and psychological effects) as when an abuser does them. So, since abuse can sneak up on you, beginning with subtle coercion and disrespect that becomes more intense over time, the burning questions are - how can you tell the difference? How much is too much? How do you know when it's abuse?

The key to all this is to know that abuse means a misuse of the power that someone can have over another person, and that they are taking advantage of this to exploit and coerce someone else. Bluntly, wherever power imbalances exist, such as between men and women, adults and children rich and poor, some people will take advantage of these circumstances. Domestic violence exists when a man starts to exercise power over the woman in a way that causes harm to her and creates a privileged status for him.
However, if you are a man who may be experiencing abuse from his female partner or in a same sex relationship many of these things will be relevant for you

Where the subtler lines of mistreatment end and abuse begins include the following:

• He retaliates against you for complaining about his behaviour – he may do something you have said you dislike more often, switch to the role of victim, ridicule your complaints, find subtle ways to get back at you (even days/weeks later)
• He tells you that your objections to mistreatment are your own problem – "you’re too sensitive", "you’re just angry"
• He gives apologies that sound insincere or angry, and he demands that you accept them – shouting that he is sorry
• He blames you for the impact of his behaviour – he becomes upset and accusing when you are suffering the effects of his cruelty and uses this as an excuse to further abuse you in some way
• It is never the right time, or the right way, to bring things up – however nicely you put it, initial hostility of defensiveness from anyone being criticised is common from all of us, but, rather than think about it over time, but an abusive man will store bad feeling up and use this against you as if he were making a case for himself before a judge
• He undermines your progress in life – interfering your independence or your freedom
• He denies what he did
• He justifies his hurtful or frightening acts or says that you “made him do it” he uses your own behaviour as an excuse to carry out his abuse
• He touches you in anger or puts you in fear in other ways – threatening to have the children removed, punching holes in walls, breaking phones – bear in mind that if a non-abusive partner was unintentionally frightening you, and you let him know this, he would be very concerned and take steps to keep this from happening again - unconditionally
• He coerces you into having sex or sexually assaults you – he makes you do sexual things that make you feel bad, he pressures you to have sex
• You show signs of being abused – it can be hard to step back from any relationship and see your situation from outside the picture a little, but it is important to try to do this (you may want to do this with someone you trust to be supportive but honest with you or one of the helplines listed). Key questions to ask yourself are:
• Are you afraid of him?
• Do you find you are "walking on eggshells" around him?
• Are you getting distant from friends or family because he makes those relationships difficult?
• Is your level of energy and motivation declining, or do you feel depressed?
• Do you feel like you can’t do anything right? Or that the problems in your relationship are all your fault?
• Is he angry and threatening so that you change the things you do or the way you behave to avoid confrontation?
• Does he tell you how you should dress, or tries to control other elements of your life or relationship?
• Is he physically violent to you or others, even if it's 'just' grabbing and pushing to get their own way?
• Is it impossible for you to freely express your values and opinions?
• Do you repeatedly leave arguments feeling like you’ve been messed around but you don't know why?

These are all signs that you may be involved with an abusive partner.

More information at: www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/domestic_violence

If you can read a book about domestic violence, understanding it and how to deal with it in your own relationship - try Lundy Bancroft, "Why does he do that?" – much of the information in this chapter was taken from this.

The absolute key thing to look for is if his controlling, disrespectful or degrading behaviour is a pattern. If you are thinking about this in your own relationship, remember that you are not looking for isolated incidents or a one-off, but a way of living and being. It is usually a mix of lots of different behaviours that control and degrade you. It is about scaring you into doing something that you don’t want to do or forcing and coercing you out of doing something that you do want to do. There are many tactics that are used, some can be quite subtle. Some of the physical, psychological, sexual and financial ones are:

• Verbal abuse such as calling you names or constantly accusing you
• Spitting at you
• Threats to take any children away, or kidnap them
• Slapping, punching or kicking you
• Constant criticism, fault-finding or put downs
• Not letting you sleep
• Withholding money for food/bills or taking it off you
• Throwing your around, pushing or pulling you
• Forcing you to have sex, raping or sexually assaulting you
• Breaking things or destroying your personal belongings
• Punching walls or throwing things at walls
• Threats of any sort (to kill or hurt including other family or pets)
• Shouting you down
• Isolating you from family and friends
• Never allowing you to anything alone or constantly "checking up" on you.

If it is happening to you

It can be hard once you recognise that you are the target of domestic violence, it can be very hard even to admit this even to yourself.

You may feel humiliated, frightened, alone or confused, but please be reassured that you are not the only one, domestic violence is very common. One woman in four experiences domestic violence at some point in her life. Any woman can experience domestic violence. Studies show that domestic violence happens in all communities – across all classes, races, ethnic groups and ages.

Domestic violence is totally unacceptable. You have the right to live with respect and safety and to put your own and your children's needs first.

You are not to blame, however much your abuser may tell you it is your fault – no woman 'asks for it' or deserves to be abused, regardless of what she says or does. He is 100% responsible for his abuse and could choose to act differently.

You can’t change him. He himself is the only person who can stop his violence. He may change a bit. Some men change a bit, maybe becoming less violent, but remaining abusive and intimidating. You can decide for yourself whether he has changed enough.

If he is intent on being violent, you will not be able to stop him. However, you can find ways to make yourself as safe as possible. See the finding ways to increase your safety section for further information and links.

At the moment you may not feel like you can do anything but you do have options. However, it is very important to get support, the longer that you live with domestic violence the more isolated you can feel. The more isolated you are, or the more your spirit is broken, the more difficult it can be to reach out for support. It may not be easy to speak to someone and you might have to try more than once to get support – for example you may not be able to get through to a helpline straightaway. Please do not let that put you off, you can get and do deserve support – no one has put up with this on their own

Remember that you have the right to make decisions in your own time and in your own way. You might want to start by talking to someone you trust, or contacting one of the organisations that can help and support you that are listed in this site. Or you can visit the practical advice and help section for links to further information and advice.

If reading this has made you worry about you own behaviour towards you partner.

It can be tough facing up to difficult problems and to change them, but believe in yourself – you can change if you really want to. If being abusive is a choice (even if you don't see it like this at the moment) then you can choose to stop. Here are some things to think about:

• In the eyes of the victim, you only need to abuse once to become an abuser
• The impact of abuse doesn't stop when you do
• Your children will be harmed by your abuse even if they don't witness it
• You may be telling yourself 'it's not that bad'. How bad will it need to get before you do something about it?

(Information from Respect website)

Please visit the "Are you worried about your behaviour towards your partner?" page for further information.

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